i’m just being careful ;) though i have put on my tumblr somewhere the dates - so yes, I’ll be there…. so why anonymous though?
anonymous person wanting to know my whereabouts….. ;)
my friend, i’m trying to think what to say back to you, since i don’t know the right words to help myself.
the book my friend lent me is called “the happiness trap”. I’m going to try and focus and read it, despite it feeling like agony that i’m trying yet another self-help book…..i’ve read so very many in the past, and don’t feel helped.
maybe you could try it too?
i want you to know the beauty you share, pure exquisite beauty that you share…. and I want you to know that you have lifted me up in dark times by things you have said and wrote.
i don’t know why people like us seem to keep falling into the same traps. i currently have a crush on someone who fits the same mold as my previous patterns with men, i feel like emotionally he swings me around like a cat by it’s tail. so i try to stay clear of him, despite the additional agony of staying away…..
is it like drug addiction? maybe. we keep going back to the same familiar drug….
i’m trying to break the cycle, and the cold turkey is agony. absolute agony, that i just wish would go away….but he is a human being. i think i need to leave the city i live in, because it is the only way i think i can be free of this “drug”….
maybe in your current relationship you took the same “drug”, if that makes sense….
it is hard to break that cycle when it is the least alien type of personality for us to attach ourselves to, as unhealthy for us as it is.
I hope and wish and dream for you and I and others here that we break free and find improvement and more dependable happiness…..
You deserve happiness, you’ve done nothing to deserve perpetual sadness….
i have a horrible feeling of hopelessness
a feeling that there is no point starting anything because it won’t be finished
i don’t want this feeling
i want to be able to plan
i want to be able to make everything how i like it, my house, my career, my family
but i feel like there is no point, because somehow it will be ended, somehow it won’t, somehow, for some really strong reason, it is entirely pointless of me to even begin anything.
i feel perpetually in a waiting room waiting for my end or something. waiting for the carpet to fly out from beneath my feet. waiting for the big nothingness. i feel it is going to swallow me. and all that exists will have no worth.
and then i get overcome with the feeling to be reckless. all feels futile, all is against me and my progress. so what the hell. just be reckless.
and then i think surely that can’t be? but the feeling won’t leave me.
36 years old and an entirely fucked up life. who is to say it will ever be any different?
i don’t want to die. i want to live and be happy and spread happiness. i want to make plans and see them through. i want to be stable. i want to be able to raise my children the way i always dreamed of. i want to have a career that satisfies and pays the bills and allows for a few simple pleasures here and there. i don’t want a knight in shining armour, i just want my life’s companion, with whom we are both besotted with, with whom we ride life’s rollercoaster together.
i know nothing in life is perfect. but why did it have to get this bad? how can i ever imagine that it could better, if for 36 years my life’s journey has just led me into a cesspool? i’m not asking for perfection, i’m not asking to be a millionaire. i’m not asking for white picket fences, i’m not asking for anything too much. but it feels like i ask too much and deserve nothing.
i am told to be patient. but i’ve been patient all my life, and nothing has happened. what if nothing ever does happen? i wish and hope i can one day come back to these words i have typed and see that, yes, life did improve and things stabilized and that i found more frequent and dependable happiness (wow, i feel guilty asking for more frequent happiness)…..
i be “hopeful” because it makes others happy. they want to hear me be hopeful, otherwise they just say i’m a whinger.
so i just feel paralyzed inside. if a feeling of motivation arises in my body or mind, a voice quickly enters and says “that is pointless”.
my friend gave me some books on “mindfulness”. i’ve tried to read but at the moment the words just blur. i’ll try again. i need to try anything. my life is reduced to nothing…..so i’ll try anything.
gosh that is really sweet of you Paul! thank you :)
I love what you create, btw, stunning stuff!!
happiness is scary, as it means that yet again, I’ve been duped by just a mirage. i hate sleep only because you have to eventually wake up again to the agony and the work work work work work and that is all
love means so many things….
thanks for being so sweet….
but i have been told that so many times in my life, but the context could be from my mother, my brother or my child - or a friend….all of which i appreciate and I feel awesome when I hear it….
but the love that will fill my gaping aching heart….still aludes me….
maybe i’m selfish? maybe i ask to much? maybe i don’t deserve such love? who knows….. i know i’m “loved”, but i’m not loved in the way that I’m starved of…. and for that i just feel like an utter fool who should get her act together and not be so “needy”.
sorry to ramble, especially since you are just being really beautiful…..but i woke up this morning in agony in my heart….so you have inadvertently caused me to ramble…
what love will heal me?
love from one someone that my soul is driven towards like a magnet, one that, despite my mess of a life, eyeballs me and says “I don’t care about all this shit. I need just YOU, and I am beside you because my soul is driven and it gives me no choice but to remain beside you always”….
but thanks anon - again, you are very sweet ;)